Sad this’ll be the last time is see Seattle like this in a while…
I cant get to sleep…
Can’t decide if it’s cuz I’m just ready to be home tomorrow..in the comforts and familiarities of my own home and city…or if I don’t wanna go back to all the unknowns that lie ahead. This trip can’t hold me back from making a decision about my future anymore…got to set some new goals again.
It’s time. and I’m scared.
going to miss this lil bug (and my smoosh as well)…doesn’t help she slept with me all last night too. :// waiting to board the plane. Seattle..here I come.
Changes
Finally made it back here…and to be honest, I thought about just starting a new blog on here..but didn’t have the heart. This has been home for the past year or so and I just couldn’t give it up.
With all of the changes that have come within the last few months, I almost feel like a different person. But isn’t that just how life goes? Time changes people..and all those experiences in between help shape you..always evolving. And so, finally, here I am again…and ready to continue to share my thoughts with all of you again. Hopefully, on a more positive note then its been in the past.
A few things you should know since my last post:
* I graduated Art School in March with my Bachelors Degree in Web Design and Interactive Media
* I have not found a “real job” yet, but still figuring that out…daily.
* I have a life again..and it may just be since I have nothing to do since I’m out of school, but it’s been good.
* And yes, I leave for vacation tomorrow (Vancouver, B.C. & Seattle, WA) but like I’ve always done (since the tender age of 13 when I first started recording my random thoughts) I am only motivated to REALLY start posting when something big is in the works. — And that, for now…is this vacation. :))
I don’t really want to go into depth about those things right now. I feel like if I keep posting regularly, I’ll cover those topics again more closely.
Anyway, for now….I can’t sleep. Partially because I took a really long nap, waking up at 9:15pm to finish packing, and partially because I’m getting really anxious to leave tomorrow. FOR A WEEK!!! — To a place that I’ve only been briefly as a child but has been a part of this “dream” place for me in this last year. In the last quarter of school especially, when people asked me what I thought I’d wanted to do with “the rest of my life” I’d started contemplating somewhere FAR away from here. Somewhere away from all the regularities/routines I’ve set for myself over the last 23 years. I’ve thought a lot about moving up there because I’ve heard so many lovely things about the area, work, and it would get me out of this shell I always feel like I’m living in.
After thinking it over…I decided to put off this notion of moving up there until after this trip. Until I can see first hand what I’d be jumping into if I decided to make that leap one day. We’ve been planning this trip since May (my family and I) so I’m super excited..and even though I have this fear that the area just isn’t going to live up to all these pre-conceived notions I’ve dreamed up, I’m ready to be there. Or just on vacation in general. To get out of the routine for a while…enjoy my summer while I still have one. :))
So, be ready people….I plan on posting a lot up there. Whether it lives up to my hopes and dreams doesn’t matter…I’m going to make this an amazing trip. :)) I’ll post tomorrow…..see you then. <3
loneliness
i had a conversation with one of my best friends who lives in idaho tonight. and we discussed — as we have a lot lately this idea of loneliness.
this last year has been a really hard one for me in different ways then the past few have been difficult. in the past few years it’s been broken hearts (kinda), broken spirits, broken thoughts on life…broken car (stolen cars really..) — but this year it’s been about this feeling of loneliness. i’ve never lost so many people before. i lost two “friends” to differences in lifestyles and then i lost my friend from idaho — well, TO IDAHO. she lived here..and then moved out there to be closer to family. And in losing all these people i lost a lifestyle i was so comfortable in. we went out. experienced life. lived it up…had a ton of fun. and then…just lost that. i lost the fire underneath me. the motivation to experience life…i felt betrayed and abandoned by some of the people i’ve ever felt the closest to in my life…and it just happened all at once. and now i sit here…close to the end of my 22nd year of life and i feel immense loneliness.
for me, a lot of it has been just not having that physical presence. it’s hard when someone’s not just sitting right in front of you and sharing that moment with you. i tell that friend from idaho all the time, “I KNOW you’ll always be there for me..and me for you” but it’s different not having someone here. and by anyone..i mean someone who’s on my level…like her. but it could be anyone. i wish i knew someone and was close with someone. to even just have them sit beside me and we wouldn’t have to say anything..but i would just not have to BE ALONE.
loneliness is messy though..
sometimes you can be surrounded by many people — many people who love and care about you: family, friends, coworkers and still feel alone. and then sometimes you can physically be alone…no one there. it comes in all shapes and forms but i think the feeling is universal. nothingness — the lack of SOMETHING.
literally having someone THERE right in front of you knowing that they’re real..and what you are talking about and that moment in time is really happening….that’s what i want to feel again. with people i care about and truly care about me…i just need someone there. i want to be happy again…like a REAL happy.
i wish someone would just listen.
other nights..
I guess I forgot to mention…with the love that I have for the night, comes equally a passionate hate. some nights my hearts dreams and inhibitions soar without doubts and limits..but other nights, like tonight, I’m am brought down by memories that have scarred me to the bone. and the darkness that surrounds is not a healthy place to remember thoughts like these…in a way it takes that memory to a place much darker than I’d like to be reminded of. and instead of the freedoms I feel on other nights..the feeling that fill it’s place are those of are immense loneliness..
pray for me tonight.
tomorrow I will triumph.
i have such conflicting feelings sometimes…a big part of me feels like this picture. (which i wish i could change to my profile picture on facebook — i hate that i always look so happy in my picture when the truth is, i’m not always as happy as that picture portrays — but i can’t…people already judge the randomnesses of my head written as status messages already….this would just make them more confused..)
anyway, like i was saying, this picture is pretty much how i feel at the moment…and at the same time, i feel like i could get up in a heart beat to drive around for hours on end and paint the town red….
i think i’m the only one on this planet who ever feels the rush to go ‘paint the town red’ on a monday night at 1:30 in the morning…
i wish i could find that person who would be up for jumping in the car at 1:30am and driving for hours. and we’d never have to say a word. we’d put some music on. it’d play and fill the silence around us. and it’d be the best night ever.
oh, to feel everything and nothing at the same time….such conflictions in this head of mine…
if there’s any one thing you should know about me…it’s that my love for this crazy kitten is bigger then you would ever be able to perceive..
“…hear me ROAR!!”
(ps. she doesn’t always look this crazy…I’m sure there’ll be more pictures of her in the future…)
<bananas>
Sometimes I get on tumblr and just search for completely random <tags>. Today I searched for bananas and boy, people like to talk about those potassium filled fruit. Millions of blogs with pictures of bananas, quotes about bananas, and SONGS about bananas (the one I listened to was pretty catchy too..) This site is great for that reason though. It’s so nicely designed, is seamless in functionality and — it’s just fun.
I think what’s made me appreciate this site so much more though is just watching the processes of human communication. The way we relate..or don’t…through written word/pictures/music. No matter how random — even blogs about bananas — blog sites like tumblr are such a crazy cool thing.
I think something I crave and need more of in my life is reading others’ experiences..regardless if they are of any importance or relevance to my own life…knowing what others are going through helps shape the way I view the world. Helps me get a better understanding of what not just my life is like…but life outside my own. Outside this house, this city, this state…even this country. It’s just amazing.
We are so lucky to have the technology we do and just this connection into other peoples lives. I’m thankful to be a part of such a big community of people sharing their life experiences with others.
So here’s to being a part of something great….something bigger than ourselves.
